Now that our first official school year is almost over, I feel like I am better equipped to give a more accurate assessment of my feelings on the introduction to the world of education.
First of all let me say WHOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…. School is out!!! I hate the thought of school more now than when I had to go!!!! Getting up early, homework, and all the stress, it’s kind of hard.
Kindergarten is of course one of the easiest of the education years in terms of actual academics, but preparation and emotionally it’s probably one of the more challenging. Throw in a school change midstream and it’s unbearable.
Lily started out flawlessly, almost too good to be true. She was in an awesome school, with an awesome teacher, awesome principal, awesome friends, and all the other parents were awesome. It was simply AWESOME!!! Everyday I’d walk her into the cafeteria, and angels would sing, and birds would flutter, and the principal would greet everyone with a warm smile and hug, all the while wearing a yellow and blue satin gown, petting little woodland creatures…no wait that last part was Snow White.
Every day I was amazed at the amount of learning and fun going on inside this little classroom. Even the homework was fun and creative…just my thing. I even got to pull out the scrapbooking supplies about once a week. I got to know all of the kids really quick, and every morning without fail most of Lily’s classmates would give me a hug or high-five. We went on field trips and picnics, and went to birthday parties. Not only was Lily developing academically, she was developing socially. Again, I was amazed at the person she was becoming. I became attached to the kids, the parents, and along the way was finding myself some other mom friends. All the worries and concerns I had agonized over in this new adventure were in vain. Everything was sailing smoothly.
As month four was underway due to unforeseeable circumstances I had to change her schools, because I had to change jobs…and thus, began the downward spiral.
Before I continue, let me say that Lily’s current school is not a bad school, her teacher is wonderful, her friends are wonderful, but it’s not the first school, the one I fell in love with, the one that I was involved with, the one she loved. A couple of days before her last day, at the first school, her teacher threw her a going-away party. I brought cupcakes and had to face all the sad little faces, most of the girls with tears because I was the meanie taking their friend away. I felt like a monster among those children. What kind of person makes kids cry? Lily was strong though, laughing and smiling as she always does. She’s nothing like me personality wise. She’s brave, and fearless, happy, and social. And I’m confident that no matter what life throws at her, she’ll face it head own.
On her very last day of the first school it was all I could do not to cry when I said goodbye to the teacher, the lady that worked in the cafeteria at breakfast, the principal, and the classmates. I loved all of them. They had smoothed the transition for me and made Lily feel welcomed and loved. In short, they were answered prayers. I struggled everyday of elementary school, never really fitting in and had a hard time socializing. I didn’t want Lily to repeat what I experienced. Thank God, she didn’t. She flourished, and blossomed, and taught me that school didn’t have to be a bad experience.
Lily’s classmates made her a goodbye present with each of their pictures, and their names on a laminated piece of paper and to this day it is still hanging in her room. Lily seemed to be much stronger than I was and she held it together well. I had told her that if she was sad, she could cry. “It’s okay to be sad,” I would encourage. But she was brave, and she wouldn’t cry. I knew she wanted to…needed to…but she wouldn’t cry. I believe she was being strong for me, because I was the one coming unhinged, and ironically, she was the one losing everything important to a five year old.
On Friday, I picked her up from her afterschool program for the very last time, and we drove most of the way home in silence. I glanced in the rearview mirror, and noticed silent tears falling from her face as she looked over the pictures of her friends on the gift they made her. Those tears represented to me a whole lot about her character. She was strong, and considerate, and she was now acclimated with the harsh realities of life-sometimes there will be pain. Once I was clear, I pulled the car off the road, and climbed into the back seat and cried with her. For the first time one of my decisions had caused her real pain and it didn’t matter that the decision was in her best interest or the best interest of our family. It didn’t matter that in a couple of months things would get better or that she wouldn’t even remember this very moment in five years. In that moment she was hurting, and my heart shattered as the tears fell in painful sobs.
That was how it ended, but with every ending comes a new beginning and for us this new beginning was terrifying. I was changing jobs, she was changing schools, and our lives were changing without any form of control.
My state of mind as this change came about probably wasn’t the most nurturing after all it nearly killed me to have to make the decisions leading to the change of school. Although my mind knew that everything was for the better, my heart did not. My heart missed the people I loved and called my work friends. The work that I'd labored over for more than eight years was no more. I said all the right things, and made an attempt to build it up as a great new adventure. But I’m sure she could see right through me, my façade weak and invisible. I held faith in her strength, because I knew she was resilient, but eventually seemed like too long, and I feared she was hurting.
The new school started off nothing like the old one. There were no singing angels, or chirping birds, and there certainly wasn’t a welcome wagon of woodland creatures or mythical princesses. But it wasn’t disastrous either, so I accepted it and was thankful for what it was.
Because of the demands of my new job, I wasn’t able to be as involved or get to know the faculty, or classmates like I did at the previous school. I couldn’t recreate the things I loved, and the joy I experienced, but “I” didn’t matter. I only wanted Lily to be happy.
Academically, the first school was advanced, and I was really afraid that she would lose interest and eventually fall behind. Learning was so fun for her, and everything she was doing at the second school seemed like review. I had reservations, hesitations, and even heart palpitations. This is my child’s education, her future, there was a lot at stake. I was plagued with “what-if’s” and “oh-no’s”.
So many things were different, and the adjustment time seemed unending, but somewhere along the way she made new friends, and found her place. My first parent/teacher meeting wasn’t for a couple of months, and I was shocked to learn that the very first day Lily had made friends, and that she had become such an asset to the class. It’s her nature to be helpful, and I was so pleased to learn that she was just that. She had picked right up without even missing a beat. I wasn’t able to rebuild the missing pieces, but she was. Just like I knew she could.
I have a new appreciation for teachers, especially teachers who take the time to make kids feel welcomed and special. I feel very fortunate to have had two teachers this school year to do just that would encourage my child to do her best, reward her when she does, but be firm enough to keep her in check, allow her the freedom to express herself, and give her confidence to be bold enough to stand in front of her class and read.
Looking back on my elementary years, I don’t recall having more than a handful of teachers that I truly thought did the job because they loved it or wanted to better the students that sat in their classroom. And because this is my blog, and I can say what other people think but are too afraid to say, there are some that I have no amount of respect for. I’ve thought about this a great deal, and my feelings have changed over the years. When you become an adult you began to see things so differently. You begin to see reality. I always loved my teachers and respected them because that is what I was supposed to do, but looking back my opinions have changed, and those teachers that I thought were tough or too hard, those are the ones that I respect the most. Those are the ones that pushed just enough and the ones that made education much more than learning. For a couple of teachers, all I can remember is the yelling and screaming, rude demeaning comments, and the demoralizing belittling way they made me feel. The best way to describe it was I was like a flower, already planted in the shade, trying to with all of its might to flourish, only to be stomped upon and disregarded. But eventually I became rooted strong, and with a little help from the sun and the rain I bloomed. I was just an awkward, scared little kid, introverted and shy and for me school was a scary place. But I can recall one teacher that specifically brought out the best in me, the best in our class. I survived and my criminal record is clean, so I guess it wasn’t all bad.
I struggled everyday of elementary school, never really fitting in. I didn’t want Lily to repeat what I experienced. Thank God, she hasn’t so far. In her first year she flourished, and blossomed, and taught me that school didn’t have to be a bad experience. If I could have looked past my own foolish fears and insecurities, perhaps I would have enjoyed it a little more.
I can’t imagine what an incredibly hard job teaching is. I would assume most days are like fighting a battle blindfolded and without weapons. It’s mostly thankless, tireless, and tumultuous, but in the end knowing that you could be the one that made a difference, you could be the one to help that shy, awkward, pimply face kid blossom, that you are the reason someone becomes a doctor, or accountant, or teacher…. Well, that all seems pretty hopeful to me.
So teachers, THANK YOU!!!!
And everyone else….ENJOY SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Because a post is not a post without pictures.... TADA!!!!
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